Self-sabotaging behavior refers to intentional action or inaction that undermines people's progress and prevents them from accomplishing their goals. While it seems surprising, some people undermine their own good intentions and long-term goals. When people take these destructive steps, their harmful behavior can negatively impact nearly every part of their lives including their relationships and career. Most people self-sabotage from time to time. But in spite of self-sabotage's near-universality, many of us struggle to pinpoint the self-limiting mindsets and behavioral habits that are holding us back.
Self-sabotage happens when your subconscious mind interferes with your rational, conscious mind. It is possible for you to have a conflict between intention and commitment, which can disrupt you and defeat your purpose. This subconscious behavior can hold you back in life, and even turn into a repetitive cycle that can cause you to feel ultimately discouraged. The relationship that people develop with success and failure can be complicated.
The Psychological Mechanisms of Self-Sabotage
Self-sabotaging behavior often stems from a protective mechanism created by your psyche in order to keep you safe from any potential danger or harm. What's familiar to us is what our psyche considers safe. In other words, you may not even be aware of self-sabotaging behavior, and this isn't something you do on purpose. When we're wading out into unfamiliar waters because we're looking to make a change, it can trigger all of the alarm bells in our internal system that tell us: Danger! Danger! Then, our brains send the command for us to engage in a familiar behavior to bring us back into familiar waters.
The conflict between intention and commitment can be a significant source of self-sabotage. For instance, someone might try so hard to work out at the gym for hours, but can't fight the urge to eat a slice of cake when they get home. Or they might tell themselves they'll be saving money from now on, but end up purchasing the new model of iPhone. There are many ways we sabotage ourselves—through overeating because of stress, procrastinating for a deadline, drinking alcohol to get away from our problems, and a lot more.
Fear of failure is identified as a primary driver of self-sabotaging behavior. The truth is, you may self-sabotage for the mere purpose of pushing buttons. For example, starting a fight with your partner and inciting drama can give you a rush. Sabotaging yourself may offer you the familiar, chaotic feeling of instability. We do it because we can't help but question ourselves. But it all boils down to one main reason: fear of failure.
Categories and Patterns of Self-Sabotaging Behavior
Self-sabotaging behavior looks different for everyone and largely depends on context. The following patterns have been identified as common manifestations:
How You Approach Change
- You expect yourself to succeed in making life changes without designating any time or mental space to accomplish them
- You see your capacity to change as being dependent on other people's behavior. For example, you'd exercise more or make better spending choices if your spouse was more supportive and on board
- You're a perfectionist who is dismissive of incremental improvements, and you're only satisfied when 100 percent of a problem is fixed
- You're "too busy chasing cows to build a fence." You're too busy to come up with processes or systems that would help you better manage your time
General Behavioral Signs
More generally, here are some signs you may relate to: - procrastination - avoiding responsibilities, even if it's because you "forget" - breaking promises or not following through on commitments - lack of preparation - misalignment between your desires and actions - showing up late to important appointments or meetings - substance use - giving up when things get more difficult
Self-Criticism and Internal Dialogue
There is that voice in your head that fills you with self-doubt. It makes you think that you are not good enough, so you end up not believing in yourself and losing your self-worth. If you find yourself making excuses for why you can't be, do, or have the things that you want, it may mean that you are too critical of yourself. Self-criticism may also cause you to ignore your accomplishments and lack any sense of pride.
Pleasure and Self-Care Patterns
Your approach to pleasure may follow a denial-binge cycle. This pattern involves periods of strict restriction followed by periods of overindulgence, creating a cycle that prevents sustainable progress toward goals.
Causes of Self-Sabotaging Behavior
Self-sabotaging can result from low self-esteem and problems from childhood or past relationships. People thwart their progress for a variety of reasons. The behavior often represents a complex interplay between conscious intentions and subconscious protective mechanisms.
Those who self-sabotage sometimes waste lots of time on unimportant details. This perfectionistic tendency can manifest as overthinking every detail, and requiring everything to be just right before taking action.
Research indicates that self-sabotaging takes significant work and energy. Recent research shows that self-handicapping is resource-demanding. A study by researchers at Indiana University reported in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology counterintuitive results. Early birds self-sabotage more in the morning and night owls self-sabotage more at night. That means they undermined their performances not when they were tired, but when they had peak cognitive resources at their disposal. It, therefore, takes a lot of energy to continue this behavior, and it leads to maladaptive outcomes.
Even when actions are conscious, it can feel better to say 'not getting that opportunity was my choice.' This rationalization represents a way to maintain a sense of control, even when the outcome is self-defeating.
Therapeutic Interventions and Strategies
Awareness and Cognitive Reframing
Becoming more aware of your tendencies to self-sabotage can help you take action. The most effective way to stop self-sabotaging is to shift your narrative around what it is. Once you stop viewing it as sabotage and start viewing it as parts of your brain trying to keep you safe, then you can develop the skills of compassionate curiosity to notice what's going on and what you're afraid of. When you can start to have compassionate curiosity about your fears, you can begin to work through them.
Behavioral Change Strategies
Small incremental changes can help prevent self-sabotage. Rather than making all-or-nothing decisions, individuals should aim for excellence, not perfection. If you miss the gym one week, don't throw in the towel. Start back the next. Make small incremental changes and act on them slowly. This way, you might prevent your sabotaging mind from putting on the brakes. Take more bite-sized actions that won't derail you.
Addressing Perfectionistic Thinking
Stop perfectionistic thinking. Self-sabotaging people are often perfectionists. Maybe you overthink every detail, and everything has to be just right. Aim to strive for excellence, not perfection. Make small improvements and note progress on the way toward accomplishing the desired goal.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)
Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) helps with emotional issues and impulsive behaviors related to self-sabotage. DBT is a therapeutic approach that can address the underlying emotional dysregulation that often drives self-sabotaging behaviors.
Practical Self-Assessment Tools
A self-sabotage quiz can help individuals identify their patterns. By reading through patterns and rating how applicable each is using a 1 to 7 scale (where 1 = "Not a problem at all" and 7 = "This is a big problem for me"), individuals can gain insight into their specific self-sabotaging tendencies. Once you know what your patterns are, you'll see obvious avenues for change.
Conclusion
Self-sabotaging behavior is a common phenomenon that involves undermining one's own progress and goals through actions or inactions that create barriers to success. Understanding that this behavior often stems from subconscious protective mechanisms, fear of failure, and perfectionistic thinking is crucial for addressing it effectively. The evidence indicates that self-sabotage can result from low self-esteem, past relationship issues, and childhood experiences, and that it requires significant cognitive resources to maintain.
Effective intervention involves increasing awareness of self-sabotaging patterns, reframing the behavior as a misguided protective mechanism rather than intentional self-destruction, and implementing small, incremental changes rather than perfectionistic all-or-nothing approaches. Therapeutic modalities such as dialectical behavior therapy can address the emotional and impulsive components of self-sabotage.
The key to overcoming self-sabotage lies in developing compassionate curiosity about one's fears, recognizing that familiar behaviors are often attempts to maintain safety, and taking consistent, bite-sized actions toward goals. By shifting from perfectionistic thinking to excellence-oriented progress, individuals can break the cycle of self-sabotage and move toward more fulfilling outcomes in their relationships, careers, and personal development.