Self-sabotage in relationships is a destructive behavior meant to undermine the relationship’s success, but it’s often an unconscious process reflective of the sabotager’s inner thoughts and feelings. As humans, we all crave intimacy and social connection. For some people, though, intimacy can be a source of fear and trauma. As a result, that fear might lead to self-sabotaging behaviors that damage or destroy intimate relationships. If these patterns aren’t addressed and corrected, they can lead to unhealthy relationships, loneliness, and social isolation. While a self-sabotaging relationship cycle can be challenging to break, it is possible to recognize and change these behaviors through in-person or online therapy.
Self-sabotage is any behavior that ultimately ruins something that was positive for us. Psychologists researching self-sabotage in relationships have described it as “a cognitive strategy employed with the overall aim of self-protection, and it primarily serves the function of self-esteem and self-image safeguard” – in other words, self-sabotage is an attempt to keep our pre-existing ideas of ourselves intact. In relationships, self-sabotage is often an unconscious behavior. Everything’s going well in your relationship until, for seemingly no reason, one of you self-sabotages – leaving both of you wondering, “why did this happen?”. Self-sabotage in relationships isn’t always obvious, so it can happen more often than you might think. Learning to recognize self-sabotage in relationships can help you see places where introspection and healing may need to take place. Change has to start with you. For example, if you see no reason to change yourself there’s nothing your partner can do that will improve the situation — or vice versa.
Signs and Examples of Self-Sabotaging Behaviors
Self-sabotaging behaviors can manifest in various ways, often making relationships feel unstable and confusing. Some self-sabotaging in relationships examples include picking fights over small things, pushing your partner away, not talking about your feelings, always thinking the worst, and refusing to commit. These actions can make your partner feel confused or hurt. They might wonder why you’re acting this way.
Specific behavioral patterns identified in the literature include:
- Blowing small issues out of proportion and looking for reasons to be upset
- Creating drama when things are calm
- Picking fights over small things
- Pushing your partner away
- Not talking about your feelings
- Always thinking the worst
- Refusing to commit
- Crossing boundaries within your relationship or acting in ways that you know will elicit a negative reaction
- Feeling unable to discuss relationship challenges, lying, or keeping secrets that will harm your relationship
- Cheating as a way of ending the relationship and making yourself the villain
- Withholding gratitude
- Gaslighting, trust issues, avoidance, excessive criticism, or infidelity
Communication self-sabotage includes feeling unable to discuss relationship challenges, lying, or keeping secrets that will harm the relationship. Behavioral self-sabotage involves crossing boundaries within your relationship or acting in ways that you know will elicit a negative reaction. Additionally, feeling contempt or resentment towards your partner is another manifestation of self-sabotage.
Unrealistic expectations can also function as a form of self-sabotage. Setting the bar too high can lead to disappointment. This might include expecting your partner to read your mind, wanting them to meet all your needs, or comparing your relationship to fairy tales. These expectations can make your partner feel like they’re never good enough.
Psychological Underpinnings and Root Causes
Self-sabotaging behaviors often stem from deep-rooted emotional issues. These can include anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and even trauma. When this self-sabotage happens, it often comes from challenges related to insecurity, communication, and trust. It’s likely something you’ve been working through for a very long time.
Anxiety and Fear of Abandonment
Anxiety can make you constantly worry about your relationship. You might fear that your partner will leave you or that something bad will happen. This fear of abandonment can cause you to act in ways that push your partner away. For example, you might check your partner’s phone or social media, get jealous easily, or need constant reassurance. These actions can make your partner feel untrusted or smothered. Over time, this can damage your relationship.
Self-sabotage often stems from trauma, fear of intimacy, or low self-worth, leading to behaviors that damage healthy connections in relationships. Common signs of self-sabotage include gaslighting, trust issues, avoidance, excessive criticism, or infidelity, often driven by fear of abandonment or rejection. The fear of getting hurt or past relationship betrayals can drive these behaviors. These behaviors could even have been learned through childhood trauma. You might think it’s safer to push someone away than to risk them leaving you later.
Depression and Withdrawal
When you’re depressed, it’s hard to feel good about yourself or your relationship. You might pull away from your partner or lose interest in activities you used to enjoy together. Depression can make you withdraw emotionally and physically. These behaviors can make your partner feel rejected or unloved. They might not understand why you’re acting differently.
Low Self-Esteem and Self-Fulfilling Prophecies
If you don’t feel good about yourself, it’s hard to believe someone else could love you. Low self-esteem can make you doubt your partner’s feelings and intentions. You might test your partner’s love with unreasonable demands, push them away to see if they’ll fight to keep you, or settle for poor treatment because you think you don’t deserve better. These behaviors can create a self-fulfilling prophecy where the relationship fails due to these testing behaviors.
Cheating isn’t always pure lust. Sometimes cheating can be a self-sabotaging behavior; a way of ending the relationship and making yourself the villain. A person may cheat to either consciously or unconsciously end the relationship, especially if they feel they don’t deserve to be in a relationship or deserve to be loved.
Attachment Theory and Self-Sabotage
Attachment theory provides a framework for understanding how self-sabotage manifests differently across attachment styles. Both avoidance and anxiety have been associated with relationship self-sabotage, and both might be related to a lack of relationship skills. The manifestation of self-sabotage looks different for different attachment styles.
Anxious Attachment Styles
People with higher relationship anxiety (anxious-preoccupied and fearful-avoidant attachment styles) have been found to have stronger approach-avoidance goals. This might make them more likely to experience internal conflicts and create confusion in their relationships. Based on what we know about anxious attachment styles, trust difficulty plays a major role in self-sabotage for people with high relationship anxiety. This could lead individuals to do things that ultimately push their partner away, like constantly checking in or looking for reassurance.
Avoidant Attachment Styles
For people high in attachment avoidance (dismissive-avoidant and fearful-avoidant attachment styles), relationship milestones often serve as significant triggers for self-sabotage. These individuals may engage in behaviors designed to create distance when the relationship progresses toward greater intimacy or commitment.
The Consequences of Self-Sabotage
Self-sabotaging relationships often come from a fear of getting hurt or past relationship betrayals. These behaviors could even have been learned through childhood trauma. You might think it’s safer to push someone away than to risk them leaving you later. However, these protective mechanisms ultimately lead to negative outcomes.
Self-sabotage allows you to exit relationships whenever you want, but this creates a cycle of failed connections and loneliness. Your relationship satisfaction suffers when you self-sabotage. You may find it hard to build trust and intimacy with your partner. This pattern can lead to unhealthy relationships, loneliness, and social isolation over time.
Pathways to Change and Healing
Overcoming self-sabotage involves self-awareness, identifying triggers, open communication, and working with a therapist on unhealthy behaviors. Supporting a partner who self-sabotages requires setting boundaries, offering positive reinforcement, and encouraging professional help.
Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward change. It’s important to feel scared in relationships. But if you find yourself consistently finding or causing problems with your partners, it might be time to look at the “why” behind these behaviors. Introspection and healing may need to take place to break the cycle of self-sabotage.
Conclusion
Self-sabotage in relationships represents a complex interplay of psychological factors including attachment styles, mental health conditions, and learned behavioral patterns. These behaviors, while often unconscious and protective in intent, ultimately undermine relationship success and personal well-being. Understanding the signs, root causes, and attachment-related patterns provides a foundation for recognizing these destructive cycles. While the journey to change requires self-awareness and often professional intervention, identifying these patterns is the essential first step toward building healthier, more fulfilling relationships.