Self-sabotaging behavior refers to intentional action or inaction that undermines an individual's progress and prevents them from accomplishing their goals. This behavior occurs when people hinder their own success, often taking destructive steps that negatively impact nearly every part of their lives, including relationships and career. While it may seem surprising, some individuals undermine their own good intentions and long-term goals. This article explores the psychological mechanisms behind self-sabotage, provides examples of such behaviors, and discusses evidence-based approaches for stopping the undermining of one's own success.
Causes of Self-Sabotaging Behavior
People thwart their progress for a variety of reasons. They may consciously or unconsciously commit acts of self-sabotage. The causes range from childhood issues to prior relationship effects. Other reasons for this type of destructive behavior vary from low self-esteem and coping problems to problems with cognitive dissonance. Self-sabotage often serves as a coping mechanism that people use to deal with stressful situations and past traumas. Unfortunately, it typically makes problems worse and limits a person's ability to successfully move forward in a healthy way.
Childhood and Past Relationships
Growing up in a dysfunctional family can contribute to acts of self-sabotage. Individuals may have been told, "Who are you to believe you can go to college? You need to work like the rest of us." These messages from childhood or past relationships can instill deep-seated beliefs that undermine future success.
Cognitive Dissonance
Individuals showing self-sabotaging behavior often struggle with cognitive dissonance, which is the mental discomfort experienced when holding two conflicting ideas at the same time. Human beings prefer consistency between their beliefs and actions. For example, a person marrying someone great from a dysfunctional family where a parent left and the other went from one abusive relationship to another might not believe in a stable, loving marriage. Despite planning a wedding and sending invitations, this conflict can lead to self-sabotaging actions. In a work-related example, someone about to land a great client and earn more money than ever before might hold back because they don't feel worthy, perhaps by getting drunk the night before a client meeting and missing it entirely.
Fear of Failure or Success
Self-sabotaging behavior can ensure that negative beliefs become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If individuals are close to succeeding, they may become uncomfortable. They may have been told all their lives that they would fail, or they may have told themselves this. This fear can manifest in various ways, such as procrastination or missing deadlines.
Low Self-Esteem
Low self-esteem is identified as a significant factor contributing to self-sabotage. This can stem from childhood issues or prior relationship effects, leading individuals to behave in ways that confirm negative beliefs about themselves.
Examples of Self-Sabotaging Behavior
Mental health practitioners have identified common examples of the ways people self-sabotage. Three easy-to-identify examples include procrastination, perfectionism, and self-medication.
Procrastination
People who self-sabotage often procrastinate. Procrastination is a way individuals show others they are never ready and put off a good outcome. It occurs because people fear disappointing others, failing, or succeeding. One study on student procrastination in academic environments found a common factor involved a lack of self-regulation. This is due to students having a large degree of freedom, temptations, and distractions, and long deadlines. Peer influence or social factors also influenced procrastination. Finally, a lack of skills in the area of study skills also contributed to procrastination. For those who self-sabotage, putting off what is important might be easier emotionally than reaching a goal that was previously deemed unreachable. The mismatch between current progress and what was drilled into the head for years might cause incredible discomfort, leading to self-sabotage.
Perfectionism
Holding oneself to an impossible standard will cause delays and setbacks. While it seems like a positive strategy to aim for things to go as planned without a hitch, perfectionism hampers success. When something does go wrong, as it inevitably will, perfectionists come undone. They end up feeling ashamed. Prone to depression, they feel like they are letting everyone down.
Self-Medication and Destructive Habits
Self-sabotaging can lead to chronic struggles with food, liquor, drugs, gambling, and self-injury. This destructive behavior can also strip people of their motivation and make them anxious. For example, someone who is overweight and on a diet might consciously sabotage their good efforts by eating a whole carton of ice cream. Another example is missing a work deadline; on the surface, it seems like the person was running late, but the truth is they are afraid of failure, thus thwarting their goal to move up in the company.
Strategies to Stop Self-Sabotage
Small Incremental Changes
To prevent acts of self-sabotage, individuals should not get hung up on minutiae. Those who self-sabotage sometimes waste lots of time on unimportant details. For example, if trying to get healthy, one should not make all-or-nothing decisions. If the gym is missed one week, do not throw in the towel. Start back the next. Make small incremental changes and act on them slowly.
Aim for Excellence, Not Perfection
Aiming for excellence rather than perfection can help prevent self-sabotage. This approach reduces the pressure associated with impossible standards and allows for progress despite inevitable setbacks.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)
Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) helps with emotional issues and impulsive behaviors related to self-sabotage. This therapeutic approach is noted as a treatment option for individuals struggling with these behaviors.
Addressing the Big Picture
When shooting for something big, such as becoming a top salesperson, a giant goal can feel overwhelming. Focusing solely on the big picture can lead to wasted time on unimportant details. Instead, breaking down goals into manageable steps can help maintain focus and reduce the likelihood of self-sabotage.
Psychological Impact of Self-Sabotage
Self-sabotaging behavior can strip people of their motivation and make them anxious. It can lead to chronic struggles with food, liquor, drugs, gambling, and self-injury. The behavior negatively impacts nearly every part of a person's life, including relationships and career. It typically makes problems worse and limits a person's ability to successfully move forward in a healthy way.
Spiritual and Motivational Perspectives on Limitations
While the primary focus is on psychological mechanisms, some perspectives address self-sabotage through the lens of overcoming limitations. Bishop T.D. Jakes, in a motivational sermon, encourages listeners to challenge their own self-imposed limitations to achieve their goals. Key insights include the idea that "What God is getting ready to give you is too big for your boat," suggesting that individuals must "unlock your limitations, take the breaks off, there are no limits to what God is going to do." This perspective emphasizes launching into the deep and breaking every limitation that has been holding one back. It suggests that to achieve abundance, one must break limited belief systems and push beyond the comfort zone.
In a related context, a prayer for breakthrough focuses on financial miracles, job acquisition, healing from sickness, restoration of relationships, and the return of joy and hope. This spiritual approach posits that faith and collective prayer can help overcome struggles such as finances, loneliness, heartbreak, and sickness, which may contribute to feelings of hopelessness and self-sabotaging behaviors.
Therapeutic Interventions and Self-Help Techniques
Recognizing Cognitive Dissonance
Therapeutic interventions often focus on helping individuals recognize cognitive dissonance. By identifying the conflict between beliefs and actions, individuals can work toward consistency. For example, acknowledging the fear of a stable marriage due to a dysfunctional background allows for targeted therapy to address this discrepancy.
Regulating Emotions and Impulses
Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is specifically mentioned as helpful for emotional issues and impulsive behaviors. This therapy likely includes skills training in emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness, which are crucial for individuals who self-sabotage as a coping mechanism for stress and past trauma.
Behavioral Changes
Stopping procrastination involves addressing the lack of self-regulation and the influence of social factors and distractions. Strategies may include improving study skills, managing time effectively, and reducing the freedom that leads to temptation. For those overwhelmed by big goals, focusing on small, incremental changes is key. This prevents the all-or-nothing mentality that often leads to giving up after a minor setback.
Building Self-Esteem
Since low self-esteem is a root cause, therapy may focus on building a more positive self-image. This involves challenging negative beliefs instilled from childhood or past relationships and replacing them with realistic, positive affirmations of self-worth.
Conclusion
Self-sabotaging behavior is a complex issue rooted in various psychological factors, including childhood experiences, cognitive dissonance, low self-esteem, and fear of failure or success. It manifests in behaviors such as procrastination, perfectionism, and self-medication, which can severely impact an individual's life. Understanding these mechanisms is the first step toward change. Therapeutic approaches like Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) offer targeted support for emotional and impulsive issues. Self-help strategies, including making small incremental changes, aiming for excellence rather than perfection, and addressing overwhelming goals step-by-step, are practical ways to combat self-sabotage. While motivational and spiritual perspectives provide additional frameworks for overcoming limitations, the core of addressing self-sabotage lies in recognizing the behavior, understanding its origins, and implementing consistent, evidence-based strategies for change.