Life can feel overwhelming when limits are not set. Boundaries are essential rules and guidelines that define how others can treat you. They protect your energy, time, and mental space. Without them, it is easy to feel drained and unhappy. A persistent feeling of exhaustion, even after a full night’s sleep or physical rest, can be a significant red flag that your boundaries are being crossed. Constant tiredness often stems from giving too much of your energy to others without leaving enough for yourself. Overcommitting to responsibilities—whether at work, with family, or in friendships—can leave you in a perpetual state of burnout. For example, you might find yourself saying “yes” to every request for help, taking on extra tasks, or agreeing to social events out of obligation rather than desire. Over time, this cycle of constantly prioritizing others over your own needs depletes your emotional and physical reserves, leaving you feeling drained before your day even begins. It is also important to consider how this exhaustion can manifest in other areas of life. You might experience difficulty focusing, a lack of motivation, or feelings of detachment. This fatigue can even have a physical impact, such as frequent headaches, muscle tension, or a weakened immune system making you more susceptible to illnesses.
Setting boundaries is a balancing act. The more we understand what works for us and the more we feel like we can assert that, the more effective we are in our lives. Still, setting boundaries can feel strange. It can be extra tough if we didn’t see that as the norm growing up. Many people when they set boundaries, they feel guilty. Like, oh, if I set this boundary, this person’s going to feel bad and then I feel bad I’m setting the boundary. So we don’t even feel like we have the right to and even if we can get past the idea that we do have the right to set boundaries, we’ll often feel bad if we set them. In a recent survey of more than 1,000 Americans, 58% reported that they have a tough time saying “no” to other people. In one response, people admitted that they’ve attended events because they feel guilty or obligated. It’s a classic example of how emotional setting boundaries can be.
But poor boundaries can really impact our lives in many ways. It can put us at risk for entering into toxic relationships. It can put people at risk for dangerous situations. It can also result in people sort of taking on more than they need to, taking on more caregiving responsibilities, more work responsibilities in a way that can really take a toll on both their physical and their mental health. And there was also psychological fallout from poor boundaries. When a person has poor boundaries, they will often blame themselves even for a very negative or even a problematic or traumatic interaction saying, well, it’s my fault I had poor boundaries. Which can not only results in self blame and shame, but a whole cascade of negative emotions associated with that.
The Nature of Healthy Boundaries
At their core, boundaries are limits we set to protect our emotional, mental, and physical well-being. They help define where we end and others begin. When we hear the word “boundaries,” it often has a negative spin to it. We might think of them as invisible stop signs. Or fences that enforce a safe zone around us. That can be true to some extent. But they can also help us bring more good into our lives. They can give us a sense of control. They can help us define who we are. And they help us set a course that aligns with our goals and vision for the future.
Real boundaries don’t shut people out—they create space for connection that’s actually healthy and mutual. If someone’s being selfish, manipulative, or emotionally avoidant, let’s just call it that, but don’t blame boundaries. When boundaries seem to go too far, it’s not that the concept is broken - it’s that we’re calling something a boundary that isn’t. Lately I’ve seen a lot of “hot takes” floating around; tweets, Reels, TikToks, substacks…all claiming that boundaries have become an excuse for selfishness (and usually targeted at Millennials and Gen Z). They argue that we’ve swung so far into "self-care culture" that no one’s willing to compromise, show up, or do hard things for the people they care about. And I get it - I really do. When the word "boundary" gets thrown around flippantly every five minutes, it can start to lose meaning. But here’s the thing: when boundaries seem to go too far, it’s not that the concept is broken - it’s that we’re calling something a boundary that isn’t.
Boundary-setting isn't a one-and-done; it takes a LOT of practice. You might need time to think about what to say, or sometimes freeze up in unexpected situations which is normal and it doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong, you just need more practice. You’ll probably fumble a few. You’ll feel awkward and really uncomfortable sometimes (and definitely at the beginning) - and that’s okay. You’re learning how to take care of yourself without abandoning your own needs and that’s a good thing.
Identifying Signs of Poor Boundaries
So let’s talk about some signs. Let’s talk about the nine signs of poor boundaries, because I think if people have a sense of, I don’t even know what poor boundaries look like, we might be able to help people sort of navigate these waters.
- Constant Exhaustion: As mentioned, this is a primary indicator. A person doing that might actually say I’m setting a boundary, I’m not responding to them, but that’s not going to be appropriate if something’s already underway. People are already in the process of making arrangements or it’s a workplace situation and then a person who has not had good boundaries gets frustrated and then the passive-aggressive play at that point might be, I’m not talking about something, I’m not doing this. But that’s not going to work if you’ve already agreed to do something.
- Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Other sorts of passive-aggressive kinds of plays might be barbs that are sort of like, well, it must be easy to live your life since you don’t have any responsibilities kind of thing. And that another person’s say, well, I do have responsibilities, I’m doing them and it’s not on me that you’re taking on so many more. But it doesn’t come out as a person in a healthy way saying this is hard for me because I’m carrying a lot more of this load, can we figure out a way to divide these tasks in a more equitable way and make it very direct?
- Inability to Communicate Directly: The passive part of passive-aggressive is that a person is not dealing with a problem that’s on the table, is not communicating about it directly. And that makes sense, because people with poor boundaries communicating directly is a struggle for them asking for what they need or want or setting a line where they say, I can’t do more of this. That is direct. It’s not passive.
- Guilt and Obligation: We actually kind of teach children to kind of squelch that sense of boundaries. We’re also never taught how to set them. Many people when they set boundaries, they feel guilty. Like, oh, if I set this boundary, this person’s going to feel bad and then I feel bad I’m setting the boundary. So we don’t even feel like we have the right to and even if we can get past the idea that we do have the right to set boundaries, we’ll often feel bad if we set them.
- Overcommitment and Burnout: This is the cycle described earlier, where you say yes to everything and deplete your reserves.
- Difficulty in Relationships: Poor boundaries can lead to entering into or staying in toxic relationships because the line between healthy and unhealthy treatment is blurred.
- Self-Blame for Negative Interactions: When a person has poor boundaries, they will often blame themselves even for a very negative or even a problematic or traumatic interaction saying, well, it’s my fault I had poor boundaries.
- Taking on Excessive Responsibilities: This can include more caregiving responsibilities or work responsibilities in a way that can really take a toll on both their physical and their mental health.
- Emotional Dysregulation: The psychological fallout from poor boundaries can result in self blame and shame, but a whole cascade of negative emotions associated with that.
The Process of Establishing Boundaries
We find ourselves in different situations. And we feel a wide range of emotions. But if we set the right boundaries at the right time, we can protect our well-being and stay true to our values. Try this process the next time you need to set a boundary.
Define Your Values
You can’t hold your boundaries if you don’t know what they are. Not sure where to begin? Ask yourself some questions. What’s important to you? How do you spend most of your time? If there were no limits, how would you like to spend your time and attention? Who or what is a big part of your life? Are you devoting enough time to your passions and goals? Writing down your answers can help you figure out whether your current boundaries support your priorities and values.
Tune Into Your Feelings and Body
Our emotions can give us a better sense of where our boundaries are. The same goes for any physical sensations that arise. When one of our limits has been crossed, we might feel anxious. Or we might notice a weight in our chest. Or we might feel knots in our stomach. Think back on some recent interactions. Which ones left you feeling good? Which left you unsettled? This will help you start to develop an idea of what situations might need to change. Or with whom you might need to set new boundaries.
Express What You Need
When we’re setting a boundary, we might be tempted to avoid the conversation. However, direct communication is key. A healthy way to express a boundary might sound like, “I don’t have the capacity to help you with this, but I care about you and here is how I can help: (drop off dinner, help you find professionals who can help, etc).” Another example is, “Can we talk about redistributing the workload?” This direct approach, while uncomfortable, is far more effective than passive-aggressive plays. It allows for mutual understanding and creates a framework for a healthier relationship dynamic.
Conclusion
It is never too late to begin the process of establishing healthy boundaries. While early life experiences may not have modeled this skill, the capacity to learn and adapt is inherent in adulthood. The journey involves recognizing the signs of poor boundaries—such as chronic exhaustion, passive-aggressive communication, and pervasive guilt—and committing to a structured process of self-discovery and assertive expression. By defining personal values, tuning into emotional and physical cues, and practicing direct communication, individuals can move away from patterns of overcommitment and self-blame. Establishing boundaries is not an act of selfishness but a foundational practice for protecting one's mental, emotional, and physical well-being, thereby fostering more authentic and sustainable connections with others. The practice is ongoing, requiring patience and self-compassion, but its impact on long-term resilience and quality of life is profound.